Once More, With Squealing
by psychadelicatessen
Summary: In an Alternate Universe, an altogether different and hornier demon arrives in Sunnydale to fill the Scooby Gang's lives with song.
1. Spike By Name, But No Longer By Nature

_**Once More, With Squealing**_

_**Chapter One - Spike By Name, But No Longer By Nature**_

Buffy Anne Summers writhed around, tossing and turning in her bed, in the throes of an intense dream. Suddenly, she heard a ringing and awoke, covered in sweat, to find her hands wrapped around a big red clock. As it continued ringing, she looked around and saw that Willow and Tara had yet to rise, although their bed springs were making enough noise to be heard over the alarm. Dawn, on the other hand, was up and awake, jauntily walking to the bathroom, rhythm in her steps. It was then that Buffy realized there was music playing; it wasn't a tune she recognized, but that didn't matter now, as she lay there in bed, trying to remember her dream.

* * *

Buffy sat in The Magic Box, sketching on a pad, but her mind was elsewhere, thinking impure thoughts, lost in fantasies. Recently her days had been filled with emptiness, but today had been different. It was filled with music, not to mention an aching longing, and for once she had something, and someone, to sing about. She looked down at the sketchpad and realized what she was drawing; it was Spike, well, a part of Spike.

It wasn't just her; glancing up she saw Xander and Anya, exchanging furtive glances, as they looked at Tomorrow's Bride magazine, and Willow and Tara lost in each other's eyes rather than in the magic books they'd set out to study.

She suddenly noticed Giles was standing in front of her, smiling, a giant chopper in his hand, and that triggered yet more impure thoughts. She smiled back at Giles; he clearly wanted her to get on with her training, so she decided to make him happy, though not as happy as she'd like to make Spike. Still, Giles seemed unaffected by the lust in the air, he just wanted her to strip down to her gym clothes and watch her get hot and sweaty. Getting up, she pulled off her hooded gray top and followed her Watcher into the training room. She figured that once she'd worked up a sweat here she could go and find Spike and work up another one.

* * *

It was night and Buffy was in a graveyard, going through the motions. She'd rather be with Spike, but their latest contortions hadn't gone at all well. As her mind drifted back to earlier in the evening, and she listened to the music that had been accompanying her all day, she now felt compelled to sing her thoughts aloud:

_Just a single sight of Spike's love truncheon  
Has me dropping to my knees  
But this time there wasn't much to munch on  
His thing wouldn't rise  
His thing wouldn't please  
We gave it more goes, and came to blows  
Just hoping that it rose_

At that point, a vampire decided to attack, attempting to interrupt her song, but without even blinking she started a counter-attack, fending him off while continuing into the chorus:

_And I've been going through the lotions  
Playing with the head  
Nothing seemed to raise it from the dead_

As she finished the chorus, she simultaneously finished off the vampire, plunging her stake into his body in a similar way that Spike hadn't been able to plunge his into her. The vampire crumbled into dust, reminding her once again of Spike's dilemma. Nonplussed by the thought, she continued her musical vigil through the graveyard, coming across a pair of vampires in colorful shirts and a dapper horned demon; they appeared to be sacrificing a guy, also with no taste in shirts, who was tied to a tree. She knew she had to stop them, maybe they were hoping to raise an omnipotent demon who would lay waste to the Earth and end all days. More importantly the guy was hot. Still despite her lustful thoughts turning toward him, it seemed her song still belonged to Spike, as she launched her attack on the denizens of the night.

_It was always fine  
And upstanding  
Now I found it quivering  
Can the fault be mine?  
I scare his man thing?  
Leave it shivering_

Her fist collided with one of the vampire's jaws, turning their head round. "_He's sure lost that schwing_," sang back the vampire, before twisting his head back into place and driving his elbow into her face, knocking her backwards onto the ground.

"_Thank for joining in_," she replied, as she lay there on the ground. She was being sarcastic, but this was clearly wasted on the demon and vampires, who now all started singing, while she got up and grabbed the demon's sword from the ground.

_She makes vampires yearn  
Made Angel turn  
But according to her song_

As they reached the chorus, she took advantage of their performance to stake one of the vampires, kick another where it hurt (curious as to whether he'd switch to falsetto), and stab the demon with the sword, which they all ignored (except the vampire who'd turned to dust) as they continued singing:

_She's just going through the lotions  
Trying to make it large_

"_It's not even half the size it - __**Aargh...**_**" **sang the demon, as he finally realized that she'd stabbed him.

While the remaining vampire dropped to his knees, finally appreciating her kick to his groin, Buffy moved on to the cute guy. She was so tempted to leave him tied to the tree and have her wicked way with him, but ashamed of this thought, of what she'd become in the last twenty-four hours, she instead cut him loose and walked up to him, wrapping her arm around him, singing as she rubbed against him.

_Hey, cute guy, I really dig ya  
Hey, cute guy, I wanna frig ya_

That's when he broke the news to her. "_Sorry but I'm gay_."

"_That figures_," she said, disappointment in her voice, embarrassment on her face, as she pushed herself off him and continued singing:

_I don't want to be  
Going through the lotions  
Losing self-respect_

The last vampire picked himself up and ran at her, diving off a gravestone towards her while she just sang on:

_How could this be, I hope that it's not me  
I just wish it could be..._

She rammed her stake up into the air, piercing the vampire's heart, exploding him to dust around her.

"_Erecttttt_," she sung out, and then she was left standing there, alone in the night, her body still craving satisfaction. She looked up at the fine phallic lines of Mr. Pointy and smiled.


	2. The Morning After The Night Before

_**Chapter Two - The Morning After The Night Before**_

It was the next day and Xander Harris was firmly ensconced in The Magic Box, sitting at the table, brooding about the magic box he'd failed to become firmly ensconced in the night before. He felt so bad; he almost didn't feel like singing today. At least his mood was buoyed somewhat by the fashion choices of those around him; maybe today was some annual fancy dress day and he'd missed the memo.

Anya looked hot in her Charlie's Angels costume from Halloween as she went over the ledgers with Giles (who had gone to the rather-extraordinary fashion lengths of discarding his glasses). Meanwhile, Willow and Tara, clearly having been too tired this morning to change out of their nightwear, giggled in the corner and made goo-goo eyes at each other as they stocked jars with magical ingredients.

That was when another magical ingredient arrived. The bell above The Magic Box door rang, and in walked Buffy, dressed in what appeared to be the same schoolgirl outfit she'd been wearing when he'd first met her all those years ago; not surprisingly and not displeasingly, it was rather tight on her now. He continued to stare at her, as she chatted to Willow and Tara, and then, when he realized Anya was staring at him staring at Buffy, he turned his attention to a bunch of pastries that were in front of him. He grabbed a couple, hoping food might take his mind off last night.

Buffy crossed over to him, dropping her bag on the table. He only vaguely noticed her, since he was now busy playing with his food, holding a long glazed cruller and a powdered donut, attempting to push forward the boundaries of pastry comedy. Sadly, the cruller crumbled in his hand.

"Don't worry, sweetie," said Anya, roller-skating by. "Happens all the time. Really it does."

He frowned, unable to look Anya in the face, so turned his attention to Buffy, who was still standing by the table. She was chattering away, but like himself she seemed to be avoiding the issue, reluctant to talk about something. Finally, she got to the point:

"So, did anybody, um... last night, did anybody, oh... burst into song?"

Xander exchanged looks with Anya. He'd already figured that it had to be more than just coincidence that the music had arrived the same time his mojo had departed, but it now looked like it hadn't just happened to them. He didn't have to blame this all on the Chumash tribe after all.

"Merciful Zeus," he exclaimed, as he suddenly realized that it might explain everyone else's bizarre fashion choices as well. He loosened his tool belt, and put his construction hat on the table, as Willow and Giles also simultaneously confirmed they'd been lost in music last night (although not with each other).

As Willow finished talking, Tara added, "We were talking, and then... it was like..."

"Like you were in a musical?" Buffy asked.

"Yes, of course," said Giles, "that would explain the huge backing orchestra and the librarian chorus line."

Xander smirked, but then the smile left his face as Anya suddenly revealed way too much information. "Xander and I were fighting about _Monkey Trouble_."

"There's a lot of that about," said Buffy.

"It's a film!" protested Xander.

"Of course it is, sweetie," said Anya, giving an exaggerated wink at Buffy. "And we were arguing and then everything rhymed, and there were harmonies and a dance with 'coconuts'." First 'monkey trouble' and now 'coconuts', Anya sure was shooting out the euphemisms today.

"It was very disturbing," said Xander. "I really don't want to talk about it."

Giles turned to Buffy. "What did you sing about?"

"I, uh... I don't remember," she said. "But it seemed perfectly innocent and wholesome."

Xander could tell that she was hiding something, but she was doing it a lot more skillfully than he was. He was about to say something, when Willow chipped in.

"Ours was anything but innocent," she said, Tara nodding. "A regular raunchfest."

"Well, I guess mine was ever so slightly perverted too," admitted Giles.

"Actually," Buffy said, coming clean, "mine was kind of M-rated. It was about Spike, he kind of let me down last night."

"He's not killing again?" gasped Giles.

"No, not killing; it's more a part of him is dying, frequently. His poor little guy keeps fainting on me."

"Oh, no, poor little Spike," said Willow, as she and Tara pulled glum faces, sympathizing with the vampire's plight. Now Xander wished he'd told them of his problem earlier, but if he did so now he'd just be seen as jumping on the impotence bandwagon.

"Maybe I could help?" said Anya, much to Xander's dismay. "Xander's got the same problem," she added, which just multiplied his dismay tenfold.

"That's good," said Buffy.

"Good?" exclaimed Xander.

"I mean it looks like it's not just Spike that's affected... Oh, one other thing, I can't help noticing that apart from me and Giles, you all seem to be dressed slightly outlandishly."

The others all looked at her in confusion, and started talking over each other, protesting that they were wearing the sensible clothes.

Xander then stopped waving his plunger around, took a bite of the donut on the table, and joked, "Besides, you don't know what Giles is wearing underneath." He was glad that at least his jokes weren't falling flat today.

That was when Giles looked back at him uncomfortably, trying in vain to find some glasses to fiddle with. "Th-they were just near to hand this morning," he said, leaving way too much to Xander's imagination, as the donut caught in his throat.

"Choking on the donut again, sweetie?" asked Anya, in euphemism overdrive.

"We need to look into this," said Giles.

"Exactly," said Willow. "With the books, we need to dive in," she smiled at Tara, "there could be diving..."

Tara smiled back at Willow and gazed into her eyes. "Do we have any books about this?" she added.

"Well, we need to sort things out, and quick. We need to get things back to normal, find out what the cause is -" started Xander, only to be interrupted by Giles's singing:

_I've got a feeling  
That it's a demon  
A horny demon - Nah, something isn't right there_

Willow was the next to join in:

_I've got a feeling  
Some writer's schemin'  
And we're all stuck inside their tacky fanfic nightmare_

As Tara mimed someone typing at a keyboard, Xander continued, "_I've got a feeling we should end this soon."_

Willow, Anya and Tara replied in a musical manner:

_By us revealing  
What we're dealing with, but first this tune_

It was kind of groovy, like a blue movie. Now Xander was even thinking in rhymes. He was wondering what could be responsible for turning his life into an adult movie, and suddenly, remembering all those movies he'd deny ever watching, he thought of blaming lesbians. Then he saw Willow and Tara standing there, and he knew he was too clever to fall into that sort of trap. Looking at all his friends in their sexy outfits reminded him of a dream he'd had, and then he remembered someone else from one of his dreams, a man holding up a plate of -

"_It could be cheeses, those skeezy cheeses,_" he said, leaping up, and saw Anya glaring back at him. He quickly dropped back down to his chair. "_Which is ridiculous, 'cause they're dairylicious and calci-yummy and indescribable and I'll be over here._"

Anya's glare died down, as she joined in:

_I've got a feeling  
It could be rabbits_

Xander joined with everyone else at staring at his beloved. Why did it always have to be rabbits? He just hoped, after last night, that it was the animal variety.

The room had been plunged into silence, so Tara started to venture, "_I've got a -_"

Anya decided to interrupt, along with loud heavy metal backing music, as her body rocked, her skates rolled, and she sang her reasoning:

_The rabbits now have a mechanical army  
To satisfy our needs, replace our salami  
And what's with all the batteries?  
What do they need such power for anyway?  
Rabbits, rabbits  
It must be rabbits!_

Anya stopped shrieking out her words, and calmed down. She looked at everybody else staring at her, as the music returned back to its previous lightness.

"_Or other gadgets,_" she added.

Willow took her book of sensual sorcery and sat down on the table next to Giles. "_I've got a feeling this could get much worse._"

Giles joined her, "_Before things get better, they could get more perverse._"

Buffy's voice announced, "_I've got a feeling, nothing matters._"

Giles looks up at her, perturbed, but Buffy continued the song, explaining:

_What can't we face if we're together?  
Who cares 'bout whips and chains and leather?  
We'll pucker lips  
We'll right some wrongs  
We'll grind our hips  
And sing some songs_

Xander and the rest joined in with her:

_What can't we do when we're united?  
To run away would be shortsighted  
We're flying blind  
Can't tell what may pass  
It's bump and grind_

"_Let's shake our ass,_" sang Buffy, with the appropriate choreography. She gave a wry smile to Giles.

The group started singing, "_What can't we face if we're together?"_

Xander noticed that Giles, falling behind with the singing, was struggling to keep up. "_What can't we face,_" he sang over them.

"_It's us versus the big bad whatever,_" the group continued.

"_If we're together,_" Giles sang, now a whole line behind

"_There's nothing that scares us,_" they finished.

"_Except for rabbits..._" added Anya.

There was a long pause, as they waited to be sure that all the music had gone and that Anya wasn't going to embark on another mini rock opera.

"See, okay, that was disturbing," Xander said finally.

Willow detached her face from Tara's. "I thought it was pretty neat."

"So what is it?" asked Buffy. "What's causing it?"

"Thought it didn't matter," Giles said.

"Well I'm not exactly quaking in my retro yet far-too-small school shoes, but there's definitely something unnatural going on, and that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies."

Xander wished he could hug her puppies. Oh no, what sort of creepy perverted thoughts was he having now? Oh, wait, that was right, the usual ones. He just hoped he'd get through all this without having to express them in song.

"Well, is it just us?" asked Anya, bringing Xander back from his lusty thoughts. "Is it only happening to us? That would probably mean a spell, or -"

Xander decided to check for her, grateful he could still do something to please her. He got up, opened the door and looked outside. Down on the street below, he encountered the end of a large musical number, and saw people in various states of undress, covered in yellow goo, standing there, around a large vat. At the front, a large bearded man, dressed in a swimsuit, and covered from head to toe in a viscous yellow liquid, opened his arms wide and sang, "We got the custard out!"

There were splashes of yellow, as some of the people behind him dived rhythmically into the vat, while others danced, and then, as an ensemble, they echoed pitch-perfectly what the large man had said, just in case people were unaware of the unleashing of custard. Then, as one, they all leapt into the yellow liquid causing an almighty splash.

As a wave of custard came crashing towards him, Xander slammed the door shut, and put his back to it, wondering what kind of idiot could have started this madness.


	3. Girls Just Want To Have Fun

_**Chapter Three - Girls Just Want To Have Fun**_

It was afternoon and an excited Dawn Summers entered The Magic Box.

"Oh my God," she said, walking in, "you will never believe what happened at school today." Then she came to a dead halt as she looked at the familiar scene of the gang studying books of magic and saw what they were wearing to do it. "Oh my God!" she repeated. "And I thought the teachers' clothes were slutty."

"Yeah, I know," said Buffy, looking up from her book. "The others got hit by this weird fashion sense, but not me thankfully. I just threw on this old thing."

"Lucky we're not wearing the same school outfit," said Dawn, "now that would be awkward."

Buffy smiled at her, completely failing to recognize Dawn's sarcasm. "Did everybody at school start singing and dancing too?"

"Now, that you mention it, yes, I think they did. And even weirder, some of the teachers reeked of custard."

Dawn wandered over to The Magic Box's counter and took a seat. Looking down, she saw a beautiful talisman on a chain, almost hidden away by the other junk lying there.

"So, what'd you sing about?" Xander asked her.

"Math."

Xander seemed relieved.

"Ours were more about biology," said Anya.

"Well, ours featured some sea life," said Dawn. "Apparently cod, haddock, crustaceans all love quadratic equations." Ugh, now she'd have that song stuck in her head all night.

Suddenly, Willow and Tara looked away from each other and at everyone else, announcing that they'd made some progress. As they talked to Giles, and everyone's attention was turned their way, Dawn took advantage of the distraction to sneakily pocket the talisman, before listening in on the conversation.

"Well, I'm a hair's breadth from investigating cheeses at this point," Giles was saying, "so I'm open to anything."

"We'll check it out, we'll give you a call," said Willow, as she and Tara got up.

"Yeah, this could blow the whole thing wide open," added Tara, as the two of them hurried away.

* * *

It was a sunny afternoon and Tara and Willow had started heading home, when they found themselves taking a long scenic detour through the park.

"Do we have any books at all at home?" asked Tara.

"Well, who wants to stay cooped up on a day like this?" asked Willow, running her hand along Tara's arm. "The sun is shining, there's songs going on, those guys are checking you out..."

"What?" she said, looking over her shoulder and seeing some college guys looking over at them. "What are they looking at?"

"The two of us making out, doofus," explained Willow, pulling her closer, and giving the college guys even more to look at.

Tara felt the excitement spreading through her body and before she knew it she needed to express her lustful lusting lustiness through the medium of song:

_I lived my life with a stammer  
Didn't know there was such bliss  
Now, unlike MC Hammer  
I find that I can touch this_

Her hand glowed as it moved down Willow's body.

_We make love all night, somehow it all seems so right_

Her glowing hands now moved upwards.

_And I think these are swell  
Luscious as can be  
Bags of fun and dullness-free  
Now I know them so well  
Fill me with such glee  
They stand up so perkily_

Tara would have happily fondled Willow's breasts for longer, indeed for the whole day, but there was another verse to sing so she tore her hands free. Then, taking Willow by the hand, they made their way through the park, across a bridge, moving in perfect synchronicity.

_I was so disenchanted  
Seemed like I had no air  
Feel like I've been transplanted  
Loving and lusting, oh yeah_

They stopped and Tara wrapped herself around Willow. She needed Willow like she needed oxygen, without her she'd be blue.

_Now I breathe you in  
As my thoughts turn to sin  
Desires I can't quell  
Such a wicked witch  
Climb on me and scratch my itch  
Turned on by your smell  
Need you oh so much  
Need the wonders of your touch  
You bring me relief_

Willow and Tara spun around and around, and found themselves appearing in Willow and Tara's bedroom, dizzily falling onto the bed. As Willow moved down the bed, Tara continued her song, her voice now breathless.

_Your mouth 'tween my thighs  
I can feel you inside  
And we won't need no gel  
You make me get so wet  
Your mouth too busy to duet_

Tara convulsed on the mattress, her body covered in sweat, as her hands tightly gripped the covers.

_I think I'm gonna yell  
Yes, just keep it there  
Mmm, oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!_

As the excitement grew within her, Tara slowly started to rise from the bed, levitating, floating, feeling Willow's hot flesh against hers.

_Now make me come, please  
Now make me come, please  
Now make me come -_

* * *

"I bet they're not even working," said Xander, frustrated that Willow and Tara could go away and no doubt make sweet passionate love, whereas that now eluded him and Anya.

"Who now?" asked Buffy.

"Willow and Tara. You see the way they were with each other? The get-a-roominess of them. I'll bet they're -" he noticed Dawn was in the room, "- singing. They're probably singing right now."

"I'm sure Willow and Tara are making every effort," said Giles.

Xander went silent, as his mind drifted off, picturing their efforts.

"Xander?" said Buffy, pulling his mind back out of the gutter, at least for a second until it had time to focus on Buffy's bulging blouse.

"It's okay, Buffy," Dawn reassured her, "I do know about this stuff. Mom and I had the singing talk a year ago. Besides, it is all kind of romantic."

"No, it's not," said Buffy and Xander in perfect harmony. For a second Xander was afraid they might burst into a homophobic song.

"Come on, songs, love... what's gonna be wrong with that?"

* * *

It was nighttime and a desperate man was in a dark alley, his right hand working away to no avail. He'd been doing it for hours, but he couldn't stop. A grin was fixed on his face; this was supposed to be pleasure but it felt so much like pain.

He looked down and saw smoke begin to rise. He tried to stop, but before he could, he found himself igniting, fire spreading all over his jerking body. Within seconds he was consumed entirely, his burning corpse falling to the ground. A pair of blood-red leather stilettos walked over to him. Their owner looked down at his smoldering remains and smiled. Rubbing wood was a sure way to start a fire. Still, some liked it hot, and she was one of them; hot reminded her of home.

She stretched and gave a sensual sigh of pleasure. It was nice to be out and about again. Usually they summoned her brother; sure he had better lyrics, but he was far too nice a demon. She, on the other hand, was anything but.

This demon was many things, but she sure wasn't Sweet.


	4. Things Aren't Going Swell

_**Chapter Four - Things Aren't Going Swell**_

The next morning arrived and Anya sat up in bed, having just woken up, full of unfulfillment. She noticed Xander wasn't next to her, and so, figuring that maybe he'd had trouble sleeping, she got up, clad in her sexiest red lingerie, not that it had made any difference last night, and headed to the kitchen. There she found Xander, standing next to the stove. He was wearing his red speedos that, as with Anya the night before, he now had trouble filling.

"You want some breakfast, baby?" Xander asked, determined to please his bride-to-be somehow.

"You don't have to get to work?" Anya asked.

"I shut the crew down for the day. My guys start dancing around sexy, we'd get a whole Village People vibe."

"Couldn't you just try and stop them?"

"You can't stop the music," explained Xander, suddenly serious. "Nobody can stop the music." Then his voice flipped back to its usual more jovial tone, "So, waffles?"

A big smile crossed Anya's face, lighting up the room. "That sounds like a cue for a song if ever there was one."

Xander started to reply, but by then the music was starting up and his voice was fading out, while Anya turned away from him and started singing, confiding to no-one in particular:

_This is the dude cooking food that I'm glued to  
Isn't he great?  
Give me a trough and I'll scoff all the waffles  
That he can make  
I've lived a vengeful life  
But now I'll go and be his wife  
The only trouble is...  
He'll never swell_

Now it was Anya's turn to start talking, but Xander ignored her as he abandoned his waffle-making and started to sing:

_This is the dame with a name that's changing  
Its surname to mine  
We will be wed and in bed and embracing  
Our bodies entwined  
I'll always love her so  
And never fail to let her know  
There's just one thing that - D'oh!  
I'll never swell_

At that point Anya joined with him to sing the next line, as they both stared down forlornly at his speedos:

_And there's not much to swell_

Anya, sad about the disappointing way the song was going, and its tragically retro nature, grabbed hold of Xander by his speedos and led him into the living room, hoping to liven things up. She pushed him down onto a dining chair and straddled him, grinding her body against his in time to the music. She was hoping this would raise more than just his eyebrows.

"_It droops,"_ Anya sang, as sexily as she could muster.

"_It wheezes,"_ Xander sang back excitedly, all of his body aroused, except for the important part.

"_Say 'foreplay' and it freezes."_

"_She tries some sleazy teases, but it won't revive."_

Her hand moved down to his speedos, but still there was no joy.

"_It balks at my squeezes."_

"_But nothing she does pleases."_

"_His penis has deceasedness, it's just gone and died."_

She finally lifted herself up off from him, sadness on her face. As she walked away from him, Xander got up from his seat, looking away from her.

Together they sang, in a downcast fashion,_ "The vibe gets kinds of gloomy."_

Xander elaborated, "_Like these speedos seem so roomy."_

"_Like he's never gonna do me."_

"_Like I hope that she won't sue me."_

"_But that's all very well," _they continued, as they turned toward each other, their voices together once more. _"'Cause, oh no, I'll never swell."_

Xander was kind of glad that Anya had also used the word 'I' in that last line. He saw it as a sign of her being supportive and seeing his problem as her problem, and in no way being because it just made it easier for them to duet or that with their current relationship she figured she owned his penis anyway.

While he mused on this, he saw a copy of Playboy that Anya had left on the table, no doubt in an effort to try and arouse his bashful beast. If things got much worse, he'd end up having to read the articles. As he lifted the magazine, and the centerfold opened before him, Anya started her musical commentary:

_When it gets bored he  
Just likes to think of Cordy  
And other sorts of naughty  
But it still doesn't grow_

Xander looked down at his speedos and lamented:

_Now look, it's weedy  
It's barely even 3D  
It never -_

Anya interrupted, "_Its eye is beady!_"

"_This is my curse, y'know."_

Anya ignored his words, and started shimmying provocatively, sizzling like the forgotten waffles. "Look at me! I'm dancin' sexy!"

She continued her sultry swaying, as Xander stared at her dumbfounded, and then, when the beat was just wrong, he decided to join in, clumsy and out of step with her, the two of them in perfect disharmony as they danced around the living room.

As the music continued, they started walking towards each other, gazing into each other's eyes.

"_You know..." _they began.

Xander continued, "_You're quite enchanting."_

"_I love your man thing," _responded Anya, as they held hands.

Xander complimented her as his eyes wandered over her:

_Of the Scoobies, you're the beauty  
With your lips that taste so fruity  
And your toned yet bouncy - tight embrace_

They held onto each other and danced, their worries seeming to melt away as romance washed over them. Finally, they sat themselves down at either end of their living room table.

Anya sang, "_He's sweet."_

"_She's sweeter."_

"_He couldn't get much neater."_

"_Just wish I could delete the fears I have inside,"_ confessed Xander.

In turn, Anya shared her fears:

_I've known curses  
Their symptoms could fill verses  
And what I fear much worse is  
This may not subside_

They got up and climbed on the table, singing as they inched closer to each other:

_It's bad  
We know it's queasy  
It's sad  
But it may never get well_

Their faces, now close together, turned away, as they sat, their backs resting against each other.

Xander sang,_ "Will failure get to be a habit?"_

"_Will I get my thrills with a rabbit?"_

At this suggestion, Xander moved away from Anya, getting off the table. "_Will she have so much enragement that she calls off the engagement?__"_

She also lowered herself to the floor, as they paced around the table. "_Is it really that important if he never gets engorgement?__"_

"_Is it sleepy?"_

"_Is it dreamin'?"_

"_Will my balls explode with semen?"_

Together they finished the verse, their hands joining once more:

_We had better dream some scheme 'n'  
Go destroying this spell  
Or, oh no, I'll never swell  
I fear that I'll never swell_

"_My pants are sealed," _said Xander.

"_It needs a lift," _observed Anya.

"_Nothing to see, barely a schlong."_

Finally, at the end of their tether and their song, their voices reunited for the final line:

_I'll never swell_

They collapsed onto the sofa together, both sobbing uncontrollably, too busy to notice their kitchen erupting with flames of a waffly nature.


	5. Fashion Victims

_**Chapter Five – Fashion Victims**_

It was early afternoon and Xander and Anya were out on the street, walking on either side of Giles, talking at him furiously.

"It's my nightmare! It's my curse!" said Xander. "It's my nightmare curse!"

"It has to be stopped, Rupert," said Anya, talking at the same time as Xander. "My libido's doing the Lambada."

Xander continued, "I used to be incredible, but now I'm a shrinking man. My small guy's a fall guy."

"Even as a demon I was never this horny," said Anya, still talking over Xander, but at least she wasn't singing over him.

"If things carry on at this rate, I'll be singing..." Xander and Anya began in unison, but then paused as they realized they were saying exactly the same thing.

"...castrato," said Xander, finally finishing his sentence.

"... vibrato," said Anya.

At which point Xander decided to keep quiet, since Anya would just talk over him anyway.

"Even the half-dressed firehunks who came round to deal with our waffle fire couldn't help," said Anya. "Their hoses kept malfunctioning."

Giles raised his eyebrows, no doubt wondering whether she was being literal or euphemizing, whereas actually it was a bit of both.

"You've had a fire?" Giles asked. "Is everything alright? Is that why you're dressed like that?"

"The house is fine," Anya reassured him, resplendent in her red lingerie. "It's just that we were too angry to get dressed."

"Much too angry," said Xander, resplendent in his speedos. "Though thinking about it, that seems like a weird excuse for semi-nudity. Giles, you gotta stop this."

"Well, I am following a few leads, and ..." Suddenly he noticed that both Xander and Anya were staring at him.

"Do you always dress as Frank N Furter?" asked Xander, unable to believe that it had taken him till now to notice this. This must surely be one powerful spell.

"Oh, my outfit? It's just a little something I used to wear in London, back when they called me Ripper."

"I'm guessing your first name was Saint," said Xander, but he just got a blank stare from Giles, while Anya was still fully occupied with her starefest. Looked like Xander's 'ST. RIPPER' joke had fallen as flat as everything else recently.

Anya continued to stare wide-eyed at what Giles had been fiddling with, now that he had no glasses to keep his hands occupied. Finally, she spoke, "Rupert! It seems you've not been affected by the spell at all. It might even have worked in reverse."

"Well -" began Giles.

"Take me, Giles! Take me now," said Anya, flinging herself at him. "Let's rip each other's clothes off!"

Once upon a time, Xander might have got jealous, but that was numerous floppy firemen ago. "Everybody loves Rupert the Bare," he quipped, but that also fell flat, only raising a smile from Giles. Great, now he was telling jokes only English people could understand.

Giles pushed Anya away. "That's just the spell talking," he told her.

"I don't care, my quim's a-mewling, and you've got what I need." She thrust her hand into his posing pouch and then she froze, her mouth gasping, her eyes opening even wider. Slowly, she pulled out something long and black and stripy, and then threw it to the sidewalk and stamped on it. "I need sex, not socks," she groaned, as Giles shrugged and blushed and resumed his fiddling.

"Could this day get any more disturbing?" asked Xander.

Giles replied, "Well, I've also learned something..."

As they walked, Giles updated them on his latest findings. Xander was slightly distracted on the way, by a young woman bending over the hood of a car, while a cop looked on. As they passed her, her song filled the air:

_I've been such a bad girl today  
Make me spread them and have your way  
I'm telling you, cop, go!  
I need a man, I need a hunk  
Need to chase away this funk  
I've got a cave you can spelunk  
Oh, please don't tell me no  
You can't be saying that it's shrunk  
That's what my guy told me, the punk  
And now his body's in the trunk..._

As they got further away from her, and her singing faded, Xander's mind went back to what Giles had just said. "As in, burnt up?" he asked. "Somebody set people on fire? That's nuts!"

"I don't know," said Anya. "Great excuse for a torch song."

Giles shook his head. "As far as I could tell the victims burnt up from the inside. Spontaneously combusted. I've only seen the one - I was able to examine the body while the police were busy doing a Cop Rock revival."

"But we're sure the three things are related?" asked Xander. "Sex and songs and burning souls?"

"We're not sure of much," replied Giles. "Buffy's looking for leads in the local demon haunts... At least, in theory she is."

* * *

Buffy was supposed to be looking for leads in the local demon haunts, but there was only one guy she wanted to haunt - that peroxided piece of punk perfection who called himself Spike.

As the last rays of the sun faded, Buffy entered Spike's crypt.

"The sun sets, and she appears," Spike said. "Come to tell me everything's okay? That it's just a bad spell I'm going through? That it happens to everyone?"

Buffy smiled, glad that Spike clearly knew what was going on.

"So, come to pump me again?" Spike continued. "You're certainly dressed for it."

"What? This?" she said, looking down at her latest outfit, a tasteful and demure red leather lace-up outfit with fishnets and thigh-high boots. "Just something I picked up from this adult store. Surprised I haven't been in there before; they had all sorts of interesting magazines." To tell the truth, Buffy was a little offended that Spike, a vampire who still thought the Billy Idol look was fashionable, could criticize her wardrobe. Still, she was prepared to overlook all that for his stunning stud-muffinliness. "But, yeah, if you want to try again, I'm up for it."

"Not sure that's a good idea," said Spike.

"Well, I tried phoning Angel, left him a voicemail rock opera detailing all the things I wanted to do to him, but for some reason he hasn't returned my call."

"It could be that turning to Angelus thing," suggested Spike.

"Well, I know sex makes him kinda cranky," reasoned Buffy, "but this is an emergency."

She pushed herself up against Spike, but he just moved away.

"What's up?" she asked. "You're all bad moody."

"It's nothing," he said, opening the door to her. "I'm glad you could stop by."

Buffy knew that something must be wrong with Spike, to turn her away in her hours of neediness.

"It's nothing," Spike insisted.

"What?" Buffy asked, wondering what could be bothering Spike.

"_I cried,_" he began singing, startling himself in the process, "_just two days ago._" As Buffy watched him, turned on by his troubadoracity, he continued singing:

_When I failed to make you squeal  
_'_Cause it wouldn't grow  
But now you come to be with me  
All dressed up like a ho  
Mmm mmm_

Spike started to walk up to Buffy, no doubt admiring her curvy curviness, as his song continued:

_I'm stirred  
Aflamed and full of zeal  
But though you are the one I love  
I still can't seal the deal  
A whimper is the thing I fear  
Which wouldn't be ideal_

Spike paused for a moment, just in front of Buffy, his eyes staring into hers, then started his next verse:

_You're great  
I know you wanna play  
And being with you touching me  
Would blow me away  
But since my manhood's gone to goo  
I'm saying stay away  
And let me rest my piece_

He walked past Buffy and flopped down onto the stone slab of the tomb. Buffy was just considering climbing on top of him, when he was back up again, circling her, his voice now full of emotion, like a man who'd just discovered his chorus:

_Let me rest my piece  
Let it get some sleep  
Let me sing small Spike a lullaby  
And let him count some sheep  
I can't lay you, Buffy, now  
Our hijinks must desist and cease  
So let me rest my piece_

He grabbed her from behind, and sang into her ear:

_God knows  
I've been a thrilling knave  
And you just love that I'm the sort  
Who could get depraved_

But then, just when she was getting excited, he let go of her and started to walk away.

_But till I'm fixed I'm saying nix  
The prognosis is grave  
So let me rest my piece_

Spike threw the door open and walked out into the night, and straight into a graveyard that was so much closer than it usually was. As Buffy followed him, she couldn't help but notice a funeral procession taking place, and six men carrying a tiny coffin, all respectively dressed in black, from their shiny footwear right up to their gimp masks.

As they carried the tiny coffin toward an open grave where the latex-clad priest and mourners were waiting, Buffy noticed that the music had gone softer. She walked next to Spike, as he continued his song:

_You know you should go  
But you follow me like you're in a trance  
You're just craving sex, but not romance  
So I'm sad to say that there's just no chance  
The party's over and it's left my pants  
Not even time for one last dance  
So leave me be_

Suddenly the music went up in volume as Spike sang his chorus again, and jumped off a tombstone right onto the tiny coffin that the men were carrying. As they dropped the coffin, Spike jumped off into the midst of the mourners, and morphed, his features turning vampiric, frightening them all away.

At this point, Buffy roughly grabbed Spike, who de-morphed. As they were standing there, Spike and Buffy looked at the gravestone, and saw the words engraved on it: Here lies Spike's penis.

Shocked by the metaphor, they lost their footing and stumbled, tumbling down into the open grave. As Buffy landed on top of him, aware of their closeness, he finished his song, singing loudly into her face:

_So let me rest my piece  
Why won't you  
Let me rest my piece?_

The music stopped, and she looked down at him.

"So... can I take that a maybe?" she asked.

But before Spike could answer, Buffy's mouth was on top of his, swallowing any reply he might have.


	6. Sexy And She Knows It

_**Chapter Six - Sexy And She Knows It**_

It was later that night and Dawn Summers was in her bedroom, dumping her schoolbooks out of her bag onto the bed. At that moment, a breathless half-naked Tara poked her head in the room.

"Lotta homework?" the blushing Tara asked.

"Math," Dawn replied, kind of tired that she was the only one who could make the effort to get fully dressed these days. "It seemed so cool when we were singing about it."

"Well, Willow said they got a lead on this whole musical extravaganza evil," Tara told her. "This demon that can be summoned -"

"Do they know who summoned it?" Dawn interrupted her.

"They don't even know its name yet. But Willow'll find out. She's the sexy brainy nerdy type. You know what I want to do to those brains?"

Dawn was afraid to ask, so instead ignored the question. "I'm glad you guys made up."

"I think you mean 'made out'?" Tara corrected her, tidying her unkempt hair.

"No, that whole fight you guys had."

"Oh, the pillow fight? You heard that?" Tara said, remembering the morning the music had arrived, and smiled as she looked down at the flowery herb that she'd found under her pillow, a gift from Willow, now pinned to her bra strap.

Dawn shook her head. "No, your fight about magic and stuff."

"Dawn, Willow and I never fought. Don't let the banging and yelling from our room fool you, we're making love, not war."

Tara was clearly in denial about the fight, Dawn figured. "It's okay, I mean I can handle it. It's just, you guys are so great together, I just hate it when - but that was like the only real fight I've seen you guys have anyway. But I'm still glad it's over."

As Dawn was saying this, a horrible notion crossed Tara's mind. She looked down once again at the little flowery herb, but this time she wasn't smiling.

"Dawn, I... there's something I need at the shop. Will you be okay for a little while?"

"Yes," said Dawn, gathering up her sarcasm, "the fifteen year old can spend half an hour alone in her locked house."

"I won't be long..." Tara said, and then was gone.

With her friend out of the way, Dawn walked over to the dressing table and opened up a red jewelry box that was sitting there. From out of it, she pulled the necklace that she'd swiped the other day from the magic shop and slowly put it on, looking at herself in the mirror.

She didn't know why she needed to steal things lately, and she felt bad about having to keep this a secret from the others. Then again, they'd been keeping secrets from her too. Dawn wasn't at all sure what was going on in Sunnydale lately, but she knew that the grown-ups had all started dressing far too revealingly.

"_Do they think I won't notice," _she began singing, _"that everyone's dressed like Cher -"_

Suddenly her song came to an abrupt halt as the music took a scary turn, just as she herself turned and screamed as she found she was face-to-phallus with a horrible five-foot-tall papier-mâché penis henchman. Before she could move, two more men dressed as giant penises surrounded her and threw a burlap sack over her head, and everything went dark.

* * *

Dawn awoke, thankfully no longer in a sack, and hoped that the giant penises had been but a dream. She slowly opened her eyes and lifted her head and leg up in unison, looking around to discover that she was on a pool table at The Bronze.

She moved rhythmically on the table, to appropriate musical accompaniment, before lowering herself to the floor. As she danced around, in an almost balletic fashion, trying to find an exit, she found herself encountering one large penis after another. As each one insisted on dancing with her, she finally found herself stuck in the middle of three erections, each one blocking her in.

Finally, she managed to make a break from them, and skidded on her knees towards The Bronze's stage, ending up right in front of a staircase coming down from the middle of the stage, her head at eye-level with a pair of sharp red stilettos.

As the stilettos tapped their staccato way down the staircase, Dawn rose and backed away from their statuesque owner, while the penises retreated into the corners. So, this was the demon; dressed in blood red, wielding a whip, with a figure to die for and a face to match. A big grin stretched across the demon's face as she looked at Dawn, and then the demon launched into song:

_So, you summoned me  
Yet you're still a child_

On the last word the demon cracked her whip and her leather outfit, what there was of it, suddenly turned from blood red to shiny black, as she walked toward Dawn, still singing:

_A Minor quandary  
I guess we'll have to start real mild  
I come from your darkest desires  
I'll make you sweat and I'll light your fires  
So just come with me  
Why don't we get real wild?_

She danced around Dawn, and Dawn felt the heat coming from her fiery red skin. The demon's scent filled the room; she smelled good, the way demons ought to smell. Suddenly, Dawn felt the demon grabbing her behind. Instinctively she smacked the demon in the face with her open palm, and then, realizing what she'd done, nervously danced away. The demon's hand rose to her red cheek, rubbing it, and then a big smile crossed her stunning features as her song continued:

_I've a heart of black  
I'm the twisted type  
So give me a slap  
That's the kind of thing I like  
You call me and I'll get things jumpin'  
I turn the heat up, I get bods bumpin'  
Just fall in my trap  
And I'll set you alight_

_So how about a feel, girl?  
Give me just one quick feel, girl_

Dawn was afraid to answer her, afraid that she just wanted to be slapped again. As the demon closed in on her, swaying with her, Dawn suddenly found herself being drawn in by the demon's power.

"So, you're, like... a good demon?" she asked. "Making things hot and sexy and fun?"

The demon just laughed, and continued her song:

_All these maladies  
I give to the guys  
Brings them to their knees  
Well, it cuts them down to size  
With no passion, there comes friction  
Just leaves folks ashen, feeds my addiction  
Can't resist my sleaze  
Which leads to their demise_

With her penises now dancing behind her, the demon continued singing, her voice now full of sexy menace:

_You brought my tail to Sunnydale  
But soon I'll wreck this place  
Then we'll fly, kiss this hellmouth goodbye  
Then we'll be sucking face_

Dawn was a little thrown by all of this. It seemed this demon wanted to get intimate with her, getting to base numbers that Dawn didn't even know about yet. It wasn't even as if they'd been properly introduced, though Dawn figured that maybe the demon had a name that men couldn't pronounce (if only because they'd be drooling too much).

"_So how about that feel, girl?_" the nameless demon continued.

Dawn decided she better point out the obvious flaw to the demon, "_Big surprise, I like guys, if you know what I'm saying."_

"_And I'll make you squeal, girl."_

Dawn figured some elaboration was in order, "_By the by, I'm not bi, so bye bye to the gay thing."_

But the demon still carried on singing and dancing, her penises bobbing about behind her, as she tried to convince Dawn:

_Take it from me and my penises  
Men are marred and women are Venuses_

"_That's your choice, save your voice, hate to be a naysayer."_

_Give it a taste - sure it will thrill ya  
A rocky road, we'll start with vanilla_

"_The name's Dawn, I should warn you, my sister's The Slayer."_

The demon stopped mid dance step. "The Slayer?"

"Yuh huh," Dawn said, nodding, hoping that this news would drive the demon away.

However, the demon smiled instead and barked orders to her henchpenises, "Find her. Tell her... tell her everything. Just get her here. I want to see The Slayer burn." Then she went back to her song, as she reprised her earlier lines:

_Just fall in my trap  
And I'll set you alight_


End file.
